THE GREY PLANE

By Emily Vigor

Photography has always been something I’ve enjoyed more behind the lens. An awkward recluse of a kid, I felt most uncomfortable when I knew the slice of round glass was on me. Growing up with a snap-happy father, I quickly became adverse to having a picture taken, creating an unconscious tic, a tensing of the body whenever I heard the wind up of the film, the popping of the flash, the inevitable “click” which meant whatever I just did was captured permanently.

I was not a girl who grew into herself easily. Friends around me were able to automatically create a persona in front of the camera, resulting in pictures that captured their burgeoning beauty, and yet were contrived, posed. The ability to morph oneself, to pretend to be happy, or sexy, or innocent…these were not skills I possessed. Appearing awkward, with a look of surprise or fear in my eyes, was the only way I knew how to take a photo that wasn’t candid. Today, I’ve been able to alter my tactic to just looking angry or making some ridiculous face. And yet I’ve always been fascinated by photography. In high school, I got my first black and white 35mm and had a love affair with a darkroom. I worked after school at a commercial photography studio, assisting in portrait sessions of families, high school seniors, and newlyweds. Watching the way people changed themselves once a lens was on them was fascinating. The shift in body position, the sucking in of certain parts, the jutting out of others, the lowering of the chin, the carefully placed smile (can’t look maniacal), I took it all in as though I were an anthropologist. Why was it we had to pretend to be the things we want to be? Most of these photo shoots ended in frustrated parents, crying children, and arguing couples. It seemed as though the option to just take candid shots of people didn’t exist. But the camera can be an unforgiving tool, and often exposes us to the sides of ourselves we don’t want to see. No matter how much we try to compose ourselves, the camera is relentless in its blatant attempt to make you look as ridiculously human as possible.

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